2020

The year where I thought that I'd at least be somebody.
Fun fact, I am still a student.
I thought I'd give blogging another go as it's the middle of the year and just to chart on progress.

Let's see. Because of covid, my finals are being postponed so I am still in my final year of medical school. To anyone unaware, yes, I am in medical school. This dumbass chose to go to three different uni and waste almost a decade of life chasing a profession that is not his dream. Let's hope this dumbass pass and actually be a functioning member of society.

Despite the fact that I'm living in a tropical country, my dream of dressing like some old posh Brit have not died, I just need to lose weight. Which is something that I've been saying since I was 15 which is quite odd since I was not fat in high school. I got fat when I broke my leg. Gotta pick up running or something. Probably have internalized fat phobia or something. With the amount of sugar I'm consuming, running isn't a bad idea else I got diabetes.

Progress, where art thou?
I'm taking up more hobbies. Future me, please be proud, present me isn't.
I managed to crochet a hugeeee hood + cloak which haven't been worn after said leg got broken (lmao here, 'cause wore that in camp once, swordfight, fell and broke said leg, what are the odds)
Is now in the least tiring department in CF, still a coolie but who cares.
Have posted comics on instagram, woefully lacking in posting but have >20 comic strips. Listened to Fawrah when she said to post it. So now, ya boy got a lot of crappy comics but love them anyway 'cause it's a step in the right direction.
Listened to a lot of webinars. I'm always fascinated with panels, hence CF and a lot of different talks during uni. Thinking of becoming a translator but the fact that the only language I'm confident with is English is just sad.
Psy class made me think I'm not normal but it's ok 'cause everyone is a lil bit insane. Still not over that Ethics class in Penang. He said, you're not to be faulted in what you believe in. And also he said that we all care about money an our relatives 'cause we're all selfish beings. I think I learn a lot more from him than I do in Psy classes despite the fact that he's a cardiac surgeon, not a psychiatrist. Oh and I still mixed up psychiatrist and psychologist.
I've tried watercolour, markers, brush lettering, inking, but everything is up on the shelves because I don't wanna make time for them. I rather be in bed reading fanfics.

I've tried writing. I've posted my fics on fictionpress or somewhere....but the rest is just in my notebook, gotta polish or practice some more.

Are you proud yet future me? I may not get that degree yet but its not like I'm an utter failure. Oh and dad died in December few years ago. That's why you fail that year. Ahhh, he would've been sooooo disappointed with you. I mean, you could've talked to someone instead of bottling it in, or being in denial. Or hey, see a councellor. It could've cost you your scholarship you moron. But you can't even talk about death without choking up and hey look I can see you shed a few tears writing this, what's wrong with you.

okay. move on from sad shitz.

You've made a lot of friends. Some are trustworthy, some are not. You win some, you lose some. You gotta be less forgiving. You still follow that bitch that stole your tab. Hell, you're even friends with those bitches from highschool that stole your money. Why? I hope you've changed when you read this. I assume it'll be 5y before I reread this. Oh and most of your bff's are married. You gotta reach out to people sometimes. I know you're busy but sometimes people wanna be acknowledged, okay. Don't wait for them to text first.

I'm learning Mandarin now. Can barely read but its something. Never thought I'd be crazy over languages but I have accumulated 3 shelves space worth of language materials. Online resources is another story.
There's textbook, magazines, storybooks, phrasebooks in Mandarin, French, and German. Why German is in the list? Blame your ADD.
What happened to Japanese you say......also blame your ADD.

Remember Ariff said to pick up an instrument, stick with it and practice? Yeah, you pick up an instrument all right, but practice? In your dreams. I can only play My Heart will Go on. Yes, only that. That freaking song we learn in high school. We haven't progress. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

You still journal, not as often as you should. The journal become a planner most of the time because you liked to be "organized". Whatever helps you sleep better at night.

Are you feeling it now Mr Krab?

I am a different person now future me. And you'll also be different.
I'm just putting it here because when you look back, you'll see that it's not as bad. You say that you can't go through with something and you did anyway. I know your first instinct is to run 'cause you haven't planted roots anywhere.

Psst, take more selfies. I know you think you don't change all that much. But the subtle changes are still there. The eyebags for example.

A Friendly Face

After countless strangers that I have met made careless suggestions and go out of their way to 'educate' me, I think it is appropriate to record or at least analyze what have been said.

Today, I have the greatest opportunity to meet a 40-ish lady in the prayer's room at Bertam Public Library. The conversation started innocent enough, the usual where are you studying and the general comparison of my not-so-glamorous university and the local public universities.

Then, it started to get out of control and me nodding at appropriate parts.
It turns out that the lady is a lawyer.
She had had a case where a 51 year old professor became a vegetable after a heart surgery gone wrong. She claimed it was a severe case of negligence. I'm sorry Lady, I'm a mere 1st year, I seriously could not know whether it was negligence, carelessness or even a simple mistake.

She also shared her distaste of clinics with a shudder. The medical officers opening the clinics as a mean of extra bucks without much knowledge really. *insert more anecdotes on doctors' negligence*

I really have to look up the case where some doctors gave poison to a kid when her mum brought her in saying that she had a fever.

She also pointed out that most medical graduates have no more jobs because our countries are producing lots of able workers but practically job opportunities. In my head, I was mostly interrupting her saying, yes, yes I know about all of that. It is the same for every other job maam. Too many people are not retiring so we can't fill up those places. Or are you forgetting that people are now opting to retire at age 60?

However, I'm still sticking to the philosophy of how each person you meet will teach you something. I take it that our correspondence is to ignite a spark for me to continue studying for my Finals which is in a week from now. It is also a reminder that there is a lot to read and as a doctor-to-be, I need to work hard so I do not kill people "accidentally".

Beside a severe lack of manners because she kept pointing at me while saying the word doctors, it was an ok conversation. It was mostly one-sided so I didn't mind.

I do hope you take care of your health so you don't have to visit us doctors. My grandma managed to avoid doctors most of her life so maybe you could too. No, we don't want to kill you. We're here to help. We're not forcing you to accept our help either. We're not God as you so kindly reminded just now. Just do not clump as a group of imbeciles. I'm sure you would not appreciate it if I said all lawyers are money grabbing fools who aim to swindle us less educated people.

Not

my love for you
...is not as pure as dove
..is not as bright as the stars above

not as beautiful as a thousand symphonies
not even a haunting melody

it may not stood for a thousand years
it may not worth a single tear

for all the things that it is not
it sums up what i forgot
in love you do not choose
and in which everyone lose






 


 
 
 
 
 
That is me being dramatic. This just comes to me. It'll be a waste not to write it down.

Review: Castle Ep. 3: Hedge Fund Homeboys

I never actually reviewed this series before right? My bad. Oh, and did you guys realised that I mostly watch about 3 episodes before getting bored? I may or may not return to previous dramas and watch them.

Well, for starters let's get acquainted with the hero. His name is Rick Castle. He is a writer and he write thriller fiction. Then, his plot was used as a guide to commit a murder. That was how he met the beautiful Miss Kate Beckett. Before, he just helped just because it was his 'murder' but then he worm his way into the NYPD so he can follow Beckett on her job. He has proven to be of help in two episodes.

Well, this time it wasn't really that exciting. The story was that a teenager was found shot dead in a boat floating in the lake. So, they were running around accusing almost every character of killing the kid.

Though I really respect the kid who organizes the murder this time. He think of everything. He managed to make other people kill his victim, help him make an alibi and also kill the person who commit the murder in the first place. And making the second murder looked like a suicide, where the reason is supposedly remorse for killing his own best friend. Now, ain't that perfect?
I almost forgot, he also made it looked like some random drug dealer slash thug shot his victim.

Well, it was perfect until he got careless. It was too perfect and he has answer to everything. To be honest, I suspected him from the start. He was the calmest one of the bunch and has this superior smirk almost 24/7. He was caught in his own lie where his automatic synching of devices connect him to the scene of the crime. How can he be somewhere else, when his phone automatically send a video to the dead body's phone? Bam!

On the other hand, the drama actually wants to focus on the fact that:

•  Do not do drugs or deal drugs. You'll meet dodgy people. People can kill you and blame it on you.
• Be honest to your parents. We do not want them to get a heart attack when you were found dead somewhere indecent.
•  Do not be overly attached. The reason for the multiple murder was because of jealousy. The killer do not like being a second choice because when his victim's girl friend finally look at him, it was when his old boyfriend did not act like he used to. So, he killed him so she would not look back or something. This is ridiculous. Jeopardizing your life because of something so stupid.

So, ladies and gentlemen, that is all. If you really wanna wipe someone from this face of the Earth, either find some poison which can disappear from the body's system, hide the body really well or make it looked like suicide.

Review: Heartstrings Ep.2: That's My World

In this episode, they had a battle between The Stupid and The Windflower. It was cool and all, but The Windflower lost due to technical error.

An interesting matter about this episode.....
is when Lee Sin asked Gyu Won ( I still haven't got a clue about the main characters name) to cover for him in class where he went frolicking in the meadows. You just don't asked for a girl to cover for you when it is well known who you are. You're just inviting trouble. They're punished for it in case you were wandering.

This brings us to the issue of playing truant among school children. I'm putting the term loosely because all of us who are still in school regardless in primary, secondary or tertiary education, it is still considered schooling. I've been wandering for ages, where do those kids who played truant really go?

Don't get me wrong, I'm no goody two-shoes, I had my share of gate climbing and warden dodging in my days but I guess my escapade wasn't really colourful. All I did was either walk around town, loafing in the library to read, or simply at the dormitory....sleeping.

What peeved me wasn't the act actually because frankly, we do that sometimes. The thrill and the boredom at the same time. It's actually the act of covering for your friends when they're not there. If they have a leggit reason for not being there, they should've just said so, or give a letter as proof. Not asking a fellow classmate to sign for the attendance. I pity the friends who had to be punished alongside their so called friend when they're caught of forging signature for class.

If I can force myself to take a Medical Certificate (MC) from the clinic in the middle of a horrible fever, you can drag your sorry ass there as well. If you don't want to, just cut class, or take the MC later or whatever. Your call. Don't lie like that. It's because of people like that,that created the need of proving the fact that you're actually sick. Sometimes I wander, don't these authority figures understand that sick people just wanna rest in bed and not moving around with a blinding headache?

The point is, cut class all you want, just don't drag anyone into your swineful business.

Review: Heartstrings Ep.1: Accidentally Meeting You

I have commitment issues. I never could complete anything. So, that's why, today, I'm reviewing a new drama.

I have been wanting to watch this Kdrama since forever but shied away from it because some people said its no good. Screw people.. I watched it.. and it was good. Since when have I ever said anything is bad anyway? There's always a redeeming quality.

Have you guys ever realised, when watching any Kdrama, the part that is significant about it is the music, or I think people call it OST. I love them, especially when they turn original songs into instrumental ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on music, I can't even read music notes.

So, this is why, what I'm going to comment isn't supposed to be taken to heart. I listen and I feel, then I blurt them out. It's not from some talented music critics.

What I've written while watching episode 1:

it's cute seeing the use the same melody using traditional and then modern  instrument. and then mashing them.
i looked it up, it was carmen fantasy.
but their mix, kinda slow at first, like plucking a guitar.... and then using rock-ish style mostly using electric guitar. i like their version better than the one with violin and piano. in my opinion, using a violin make it sound so...... melancholic. theirs are more energetic.
i'm comparing it with Lucia Luque and Mauro Bertoli 's duet..
okay.. by the band name stupid is ridiculous
bcz when the crowd ic chanting.. stupid, stupid.... it sound... well, stupid

 Okay, that was what I felt about the music.

Criticizing a characters is what I love to do best. Lee Sun or whatever Yong Hwa's name in the episode was obnoxious. He was made to be so,,, I know. But, he was. Everything else is easily pardoned, because, hey, we're human.

But, a thing that we're mere mortal should bear in mind is that punctuality is key. We are not taught to let people wait for us. If we need to be somewhere else, or some emergency come up, do our best to tell them about it prior to engagement. If we are late for some appointment, tell them. It's okay to face the wrath of a she-demon, at least you'd fulfilled your obligation.

Review: Switched at Birth Ep.2: American Gothic

It's hard when two families are being thrown together, sharing a backyard together. Separate home, mind you, but still in close vicinity. It's just that when both wanted to assert authorities, it's almost impossible to not fight.

At the end of the episode, I guess they understood that they wanted to get to know each others' daughters, not co-parenting.

What I especially like about this episode from Bailey's side is graffiti. It's cool to know that you actually need a template for a good graffiti. I used to think that they have super amazing talents that I can't possibly ever compete. Apart from that, I learned that you can't cover other people's graffiti unless it's a poster or already peeling and/or damaged. It's kinda disrespectful. It's nicer if you 'answer' the art. As in respond to it with your own. I'm not exactly promoting the 'defacing of public properties' as the authorities might like to call it. But, if there is an abandoned building that needs prettying up, go ahead. It's not like the art is cheap.

Review: Switched at Birth Ep.1: This is Not A Pipe

I'm thinking of reviewing this solely because I have another month of doing nothing.

Where to start? The title?
Okay.... The title was like that because of something Bailey (main character) said when she was stalking her real mother. I look it up and it talked about some imagery. From what I understand, and imitation of something is not the real thing. Here's a wikipedia article on that....

Backtracking...............
Have you ever felt like not belonging, like you're way different from everyone? That's what Bailey, an epitome of a rich, spoiled, white girl felt like. She looks way different than her family. But, since her mother supposedly has Italian ancestry, her colouring is said to be of no difference when in a completely light coloured hair of her family.

She did what we as normal human beings would never do when we have a typically perfect family, ask for a genetics test.She wasn't unhappy but she was curious. You know what they say about how curiosity kill the cat.. Yup, the cat died. She found out her parents aren't her biological ones.

Moving on to the typical teenage outburst and parents who want their kids back and the two families generally got along fine.

What I want to address here is self-reflection.

When watching the drama unfolds, I understand that the people we grow up with are our family. It's not really about blood. It's about familiarity. Lots of people who have it all might not understand but those who find a 'brother' in neighbourhood children, a cousin or even in foster families, these relationships exist.

Aside from that, it got me thinking. If my mother were to suddenly find that I'm not her biological child, would she goes all out to find for the child that was never with her? If the child would be underprivileged, would she trade me in for her? Hey, it's life...

Despite the thing about family, the drama actually talk about deafness. I literally mean deaf, as in deaf people and people who live around them. We have little exposure about deaf people. We know they exist but it's not like we care. Much.

The other main character, Daphne, the switched at birth child is deaf because she has Meningitis when she was a child.

Here, we can see that it was really awkward seeing how 'normal' people, as in us, talk with deaf people. Firstly, we talked really loud. As if they can hear us. Frankly, even if you use a loud speaker, I don't think it'll help. They mostly lip-read or read sign language. So, if you really wanna help either learn sign language or speak slowly and clearly. Oh, by slowly, I meant normally. They're not retards to be enunciating every word.
FYI, I can only do the "I love you" and "Can we be friend?" gesture. I suck. I know.

Secondly, even when an interpreter is present, talk to them. Look them in the eyes and talk to them. It's weird to talk to them in a third person and rude too.

Lastly, and maybe this is repetitive, deaf people are not dumb. They're the same as you and me, minus the hearing thing. And some of them can talk. They have voices. They can speak if they undergo therapy. It's all about opportunity and what they are comfortable of doing.

my crush and i

I was going to pour my heart out.

I did write a stanza or two

Then after a while

I realized

I might not be in love with you.

I might not even like you.

I like the idea of you.

I've known you for exactly a year today.

But I doubt that I do.

We talked

We laughed

But do you even know me?

I've removed my rose-glasses

I'll try really looking at you

I just hope it's worth the 

view

Hate

This cruel feeling

that froth and twist inside

squeezed the heart dry

it squiggles towards the lips

willing to be free

let forth the chaos

the turmoil within

ばか

I can't believe I just spent almost two hours doing nonsensical things when I could've continue finishing those 50 journal entries. *dying*

I shouldn't even be on this blog. The temptation is killing me....

I actually just finished dinner at almost 11 and its now 12.30. It seems that only 1 and a half hour had past.

At first, all I did was took this pictures

It was supposed to be inspirational to me, to keep doing those journal. There's about 41 to go. So, I wanted to post it on this blog. However, I stumbled upon Nina's entry. *drumrole please...*
She talked about how she have better things to do, yada yada, and one of it is to install an Arabic keyboard to her lappy. I just couldn't resist. I googled and learned how to properly use the keyboard for both Arabic and Japanese. I didn't really pay much attention to the Arabic since they use a completely different set on the keyboard. I have to relabel my keyboard if I want to properly type in Arabic or Jawi.

For the Japanese, I learn how to write for katakana and hiragana. I learned about the toggle keys to switch between the two, and also to switch between languages. Like so..。にほんご　I actually just wrote Nihon-go. ~^O^~

I'm quite happy even though I may have to pull an all nighter tonight. This is all just a late night musing. Sorry for all of you who have to put up with my crap all the time. I wanna post more reviews for books, but i just either keep jumping from one unfinished book to another or I don't have any idea (yet) to tell you how I feel about a particular book.

This week might not be possible with the amount of exam and workload that I have. Urgghh, new year or not, the show must go on. Typical.

Well, おやすみ　みな　さん

#14 Wild Ones

Title: Arakure
Author: Kiyo Fujiwara
Publisher: VIZ Media LLC
No. of Volumes: 10

I have just finished this series. I'm waiting for dawn so let's just do a recap.

This story is about a girl who had just lost her mother. Since her father had passed away a long time ago, there was noone who can take care of her. Then, out of nowhere,a man suddenly came claiming to be her grandfather. He was also a yakuza. Since her grandfather realized that she would be uncomfortable with the new environment he appointed a caretaker who's near her age to be with her.

The story revolves around Sachie and the caretaker, Rakuto. It turns out that they have known each other since they were young. This is because, her grandfather loves to check up on her (but, from afar), so he always brings Rakuto along.

This puppy love began to bloom and flourish even after ten years.... Of course, there were rivals, hardships and other things to make them waver but they didn't. Oh, and they hook up at the 9 or 10th book because achie is kinda slow. Besides, Rakuto also have this inner demons and fear of his past.

Nevertheless, it is a sweet and sometimes funny story. It was worth wasting hours reading this ten books. I don't feel like ranting because I'm happy enough with the way the story goes. There wasn't even any character worth hating because everything turns out okay.

Moral of the stories are everywhere but I'm too lazy to think of it. I know that this book is unavailable in our country, so here's the link if you're interested. Click Me

#13 Unsticky by Sarra Manning

Title: Unsticky
Author: Sarra Manning
Page Count: 562
Publisher: Headline Publishing Group

This book has taken me approximately seven hour and 40 minutes to finish. The author has written the story beautifully making me love and hate the characters at the same time.

However, there's a little too much x-rated seen so it kind off annoying because I wasn't aiming for a smutty novel.

This book deals about the imperfection in all of us. To err is human. During the course of the book, I see the main character Grace, grow up and take charge of her life. Although, it's kind of an exact replica of Shopaholic, I was still amused.

The downside is, the guy is quite old. There's an 18 years difference. He's very rich but he's to wallowed up in self hate that he didn't realize that she loved him because of him, not his money. Sometimes I feel like strangling him and shake him out of his senses.

The best friend character wasn't really important here. I don't see the function of her. I much rather read a bout her boss. She's like the boss in The Devil Wears Prada.

This book talks a lot about arts, fashion and loads of other stuff that I don't know. At times, I feel like an idiot not knowing this stuff. Oh, and he offered him to be his mistress for lack of proper words. In my not so humble opinion, I think he has  fear of commitment.

In the end, it just shows that everyone deserve love and we're all fucked up in some way. Not forgetting that this book make me shed a tear or two. there's always the situation or sentence that might hit rather close to home.

Oh, and I realised that reading is my coping mechanism and it's not a very good thing for me. I'm not saying no to the knowledge and benefits. It's just that I tend to read when I'm stressed out or I have an important exam or class tomorrow.

To the readers, FYI, I'm gonna have my first OSPE tomorrow.
It's an exam than I sure will screw up. Now, I'm hoping for the best and start studying. I'm not going to end up like the main character who dropped out of her university 2 weeks before final because she can't cope with reality.

Trust. Truth. Lies.

I'm actually in the middle of drawing the anatomy of a human body but I just finished reading an article by Obefiend. In the article, he talks about how Hitler shouldn't be viewed as a hero in the Muslim world as he kills the Jews. He was severely bashed in the comment section. Malaysian truly can't keep their opinion to themselves. Calm down people, it's his blog. You don't like what you read? Buzz off. I don't think you can write any article that is worth reading.

Anyways, history is written by those who won. If you don't believe this, let's look at our own history shall we. We say that all those unsung heroes like Tok Janggut and the gang are in fact heroes. The saviour of our country, brave, brave people.They all deserve a pat in the back. Unfortunately, I don't think the British viewed them as such. If I remember correctly, they were all insistent on putting their heads at the gallows, saying that those 'heroes' disturb their charity work of making Tanah Melayu as a civilised country.

As a Malaysian, I would obviously sided with my other comrades that British is definitely wrong. i would say that at the time, we already have our own system. They say we are incompetent but they're forgetting that we have the best ports at the time and great rulers. We were rich enough. They say we were uncivilised because we did not practice the same religion ad system that they have. This shows that opinions that people have about something is different. we can't know for sure what happens because there's no such thing as an unbiased writer. we are human, so we would always side with someone. Sometimes it's beneficial, sometimes we were influenced by them. We cannot just dismissed something because we say that is untrue.

What I'm saying here is just try to respect people's opinion. I know truth is not a democracy but people kept debating on little stuff. I can't help it that I'm too liberal. I often questioned religion and history. Nothings absolute and things are mostly man-made. I mean, they can alter the bible easily, what makes you think they won't do the same to history. Some says faith is believing something without proof.

A hilarious thing about human:
When we say that there's God, people easily said they believe Him.
When we say the paint is wet, they'll have to touch it first to be sure.

Click Here to go to the article that I've read earlier. It's the misconception on how Hitler killing Jews will benefit the Arabs. Take it with a pinch of salt. :3

#12 An Abundance of Katherine

Title: An Abundance of Katherines
Author: John Green

Look at the cover will you, it doesn't look much right. They This book has a lot of recommendations but I don't think I like it much. (I like it, but not love it, get what I mean?)

The characters are interesting but not developed much. They say Hassan is interesting, and I agree quite a bit. He is exactly like a Muslim who don't really go by the Muslim rules, well much like other people with different religion. Youngsters nowadays really care less about their belief. Mind you, I'm not exactly above him since I'm almost as bad as him.

However, my opinion on Colin is just that he want to be someone in the world. he felt like he is a nobody even if he's a prodigy. He is a prodigy just not a genius. He knows a lot of facts and trivia but I see that he just remembers them but not using them in real life. If he can connect between the stories he read and his life, he could avoid all the teen angst and bullying. I suppose, that might have been the writers intention. I mean, people read but they simply ingest the word but not digesting them. It is like when we are studying, we can not simply read, we must understand.

It is quite absurd of him to date nineteen different Katherine and was dumped by most of them. It could be because he likes being different. Different is good but it is best not to be whole other dimension of weird.

What I can say is, this story is too simple but long. In the end he got a girl who is not called Katherine (what a shocker, note the sarcasm), his friend who stubbornly refuse to attend college finally did, and he somewhat learn how to make friends. I think this is suitable for leisure reading as it does not require much thinking and it'll amuse you with never-ending facts.

Here are the other covers... told you the book is famous. 

Sadly, I don't think all of these covers are published.

There are more, so if you're interested, just google the book cover, Adios chickas.

 

#11 Wake Trilogy

Title:1. Wake 2. Fade 3. Gone
Author: Lisa McMann

These books are quite interesting as it shows the heroine is both blessed and cursed. We have been spoon-fed stories that super powers are good but in this story, I only see it as a curse. Since she was a kid, she's been suck into people's dream and that always left her tired and hungry. There's more, it seems that the more she dream-walk, she'll be losing her life force. In twenty to thirty years, she'll be left blind and crippled. She did think of isolation throughout the book and almost go through with it if she did not meet her father. Ooops, you must not know the details yet.

Well, the main character lives with her alcoholic mother and have to take care of her. Her father left her mother since birth, meaning her father did not even know she existed. Her father is actually a dream-catcher as well (a term for people who can get into other people's dream). He left because he knows he could not function well being with people because he will be constantly be drag into other people's dream.

The books revolved around the main character's choices, hopes and fears. Besides, a young adult fiction is never complete if there's not at least a bit of romance. So, insert a drool-worthy guy here and we got Cabel that accept her just the way she is. he is far from perfect and have his own past but together they overcome many difficulties that this sadistic author can think of.

These books discuss about drugs and sexual harassment as well. They don't really do drugs but they became undercover teenager who works for the police to bust the drug dealer who sell them to other high-schoolers. Plus, they also caught some teachers who spiked food and drinks at parties to have massive orgies with them. They also use drug (also known as date-rape drug) to make you forgot everything in the morning and think that it was only an innocent party. The teachers involve also played with the emotion of the teenagers, manipulating them into thinking that it was them the one who lusted after the teacher instead of the other way around.

Alcoholism is also potrayed in here. The main character take responsibility of her mother instead of the other way around. In the end, she went to see a group therapist so that she understand that her mother's drinking habit is not her fault nor should she blame herself for existing.

There's a mild theme of abuse because Cabel got an abusive father. Even when he was dead, he still haunts his dream. This shows that the bully live within us and we should learn to escape from that. Forgiveness might be hard but thinking about it just cut open old scars.

In short, these books are about teen problems and how the characters overcome them. People might say that youngsters are carefree but we're actually in the road to depression.

#10 Goodnight, Beautiful

Title: Goodnight, Beautiful
Author: Dorothy Koomson

You know how they always say that loves conquers all. Amen to that then.... For this review, I will refrain myself from swearing although I did when I'm live airing my thoughts about this book on twitter.

Firstly, let me just say that, I hate Stephanie from this book. To me, she is the evil character, the antagonist, the home-wrecker. Even if she was a legitimate wife, I still think she's horrid. An ugly turd. She has insecurities, suffer manic depression and leech of people. She is paranoid and destroy other people's healthy relationship. Even if she repent and become "good" in the end, nothing, I mean nothing can ever make me forgive her. I know we should all love each other, I mean Voldemort was forgiven since I pity him of not having a loving father and not having a nose. I hate her because she's in the way of true love. Mal should have left her.

Okay, enough hating on her, let's move on to the supposed hero of the story, Mal. He is by far the stupidest, spineless man ever. If a woman is having your baby, you're suppose to care for her. Especially if she is your childhood friend you love her since forever. Leave your manic wife behind. Who cares if she has nobody else in the world to take care of her. Is it because your friend had more people to support her, she can raise a son alone. you were the one who burden her in the first place asking her to be the surrogate mother. When suddenly your wife decides that she was afraid that she could lose you when the baby is born, you just left your friend since you were in diapers, you tell her you want nothing to do with her leaving her with the unborn baby. Then, suddenly when her son (which is his as well) was sick, he had the nerved to say that he care after all those years. You make me sick. And when she was suffering at the thought of her so dying, you of all people offer sex. I mean seriously? You said it would take her mind of things. Yeah, it did, it got her knocked up, that's what. thank God she has the audacity of leaving the country after her son's death and raise her new baby girl in Portugal.

Nova. Nova. Nova. Where should I start. She sees the good in everyone. Even in that old hag Steph who was in no way trying to make friends with her. I don't really wanna say much because I'm running out of steam because of all that hating on the above characters, It is sad that she has to suffer so much and being so alone. Overall, she got herself sorted out and live a god life. I feel bad for her for having to cross path with Steph.

Well people, don't be put out by my hating. I love how the writer weave the story, how she kept me reading the story until the end. yes, I despise the book for injecting reality in my normally unreal book. I hoped for a better ending where she would at least meet her prince charming. Since none of that is happening, I'll just have to use my imagination. To those who are planning to read this book, prepare lots of tissues and maybe emphatise so you won't be like me all hating on the antagonist. We can'yt judge people because what we know about people is only a mere fraction of what they truly are. We won't know any better unless we have been in their skin as them.....

My Study Table

Well, it's study week. I'm simply focusing on Bio and ignoring the rest. Since I have no will power to go out and breath some fresh air, I tinkered with my camera instead.

There's no subject matter that is interesting enough so I have to make do with my messy table. Here  it is...

#2 Maze Like

What do you guys think? It is kinda nice aite? I know it is not that cool but I think the prints on the bag is quite ok. It seems like I have a thing for yellow though. I assure you, my favourite colour is definitely not yellow. I'm not even sure what my favourite colour is.

This Gonna Be TMI

I got this questions off from tumblr. There's 102 of 'em. Feel free to read if you find me fascinating. I was honest, honest. Teehee. :3

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yup, my mum. I'm awesome, so of course she does.

 Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
Yup

 When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
Pass

Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Yup, I do that all the time

Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
I don't think so. But, there's this one kid that people hate. So, sometimes even when i say his name, they say they don't wanna listen because they hate him. To be fair, he's kinda annoying. It's just ot felt a lot like bullying. I felt guilty because at times I'm relieved it's just not me. Can't do a thing to change that...

 Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Loads of them
For example Nice guys and Sometimes Say Never by Nigahiga reminds me of Wawa
Super Bass by Nicky Minaj made me remember the awesome time Mamai sang this
With You reminds me of the time where I have sore throat but still sang that song during English week with Mamai and Emy.
Eminem reminds me of Ika Nawy.
Almost every Korean song remind me of Wawa though.

 What exactly are you wearing right now?
White shirt, cream short.

How often do you listen to music?
I can't go more than 24 hour without music.

Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
Jeans. I don't think I own sweats nowadays. I wear jeans almost on every occasion except class.

 Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?
Nope.

Are you a social or an antisocial person?
Best of both world.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
My lips are virgins. Thank you very much.

What about ‘R’?
Hmmm, how about no.

Can you drive a stick shift?
Yup. Yay me.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Are you going out of town soon?
Nope. Exam's are screwing my head right now.

When was the last time you cried?
I cried almost everyday. I'm pretending to be a fountain.

LOL, nah. I cried over books mostly. i bottled up my feelings most of the time. But with books, I can mourn all day long.

Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Does family counts.. If it is, I tell them loads of time.
If they doesn't hmmm. I once told this guy that I like him when I was 13. I think he likes me too. But at that time, this other guy already like me and we kinda  hang together and I sorta like him back. So, I hang out with my crush on some days and the other guy on some day. The funny thing is I actually really like another guy but he so hates me. Story of my life. Now, I just stick to fictional characters. Less hassle and awkward moments.

If you could change your eye color, would you?
Yes. Violet would be nice. I'd settle for icy blue though. Well, since I'm on a role, why don't you just give me a supermodel body and fair skin. I like my face already so yeah....

Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
Right now? Nope. Well, maybe Emy cause he's my best buddy right now. Since I never managed to keep best buddies longer than two years period, he might be demoted next year if he lose contact with me.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
Today.. hmm, I just dislike the rain. I don't have any umbrella so I used my sweater to avoid getting wet. But then class was cold. Unfortunately, my sweater is soak and couldn't give me any warmth, making me colder even.

Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
Nope. Just kiss me on the cheek like my bros do. :)

Are you dating the last person you talked to?
Nope. Currently single. Secretly married to Draco.

What are you sitting on right now?
Floor. Carpet. To poor and lazy to buy myself a chair.

Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
Regularly? No. Occasionally, yes... Ah, I feel so unloved.

Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Loads of time. I think most of my crushes are unattainable. For one, they're fair and kawaii. Plus, they might have already a girlfriend or two.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Jihah. My current roommate. She's like a little sister I never had. I'm beginning to love her. She kinda grow on me. 

Do you get a lot of colds?
No

Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
Some mall. Bought it with Ezan. It cost RM10. Damn, if you go anywhere with her, you're inclined to buy something. She had that let's-buy-something aura.

Does anyone hate you?
I don't know and I don't care.
I'm not some freaking idiot who think that the ground that I walk on should be worshiped. I know some of my act might be displeasing to someone's eyes. We can't please everyone. so love me, hate me, see if I care. 

Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
Nope. I don't drink and don't intend to try it.

Do you like watching scary movies?
Kinda. But, I'm a scaredy-cat. Don't bring me to that kind of movies. I scream. Really loud that you'd be embarrassed to be with me.

Do you want your tongue pierced?
No.. I mean ewwww. Lip piercing look kinda hot on some guys but tongue? Nobody can rock that shit.

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
My 1 year old year. I can't remember those so it won't be missed. I mean, this question ask about the memory of the year, not the event itself right.... if not, I won't be alive anymore. T.T

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes. It was horrible. My first time remembering my dream too. I was forced to wake up because in my dream, people are force-feeding me slugs and maggots. Other insects as well. There was even  live butterfly. I have no idea why though. *shudder*

When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
This is getting repetitive. I did last night. Towards my mum and people on tumblr.

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
I guess so. I don't wanna die a virgin or be a spinster with 10 cats.

Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Now? No. Who in their right mind would. I'm dysfunctional. Like that song somewhere says everyone has their bad traits but can you accept mine (warning! paraphrase)

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Maybe. Or maybe all of the are currently dreaming of me right now. It's past midnight already.

Did you have a good day yesterday?
Quite. If you minus the exam and the rain.

Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
No. I'm not a slut. My relationship status wouldn't change every month.

In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
Yes. I'm a girl. Of course i would.

Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Not in so many words.

What’s the best part about school?
My friends.

Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
Yes. But my DP is not me. I like anime faces more than my own.

 Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
Sometimes. I don't really like it.  Because I speak faster than I write. And the thinking part. When I talk it's automatic, unregistered. When I write, I tend to over-analyse.

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Yes, especially embarrassing and random moments that you feel like crawling in a hole somewhere. My mind like to torture me.

Were you single over the last summer?
Yes. What's with this relationship questions. Guys are not up for grabs. Plus, they don't see me as a girl. (Inner me: Duh...)

Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
No. It's harder.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Sleep or study.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No. In fact, I like them well enough even thought we rarely exchange pleasantries. Kinda out off topic when with them. If everything else fails, interest them with the current book that I'm reading.

Are you nice to everyone?
Yes. Or I think I do. Am I?

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
No. I don't hate people so what's not to like.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Yes. If he bores me, let's just end it instead of dragging it along. Don't get me wrong, I need not someone who can amuse me, just someone who understand me and can bring out the best in me. *vice versa*

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Nope. people say I'm an open book.

Do you think you like someone?
Nope.

Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
Urghhhh, for the last time. No!

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
Boys cause I grow up with them.

Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
Yup. I cried in public loads of time. Over a book mostly. Sometimes, I just can't control my emotion. There's this one time I have to recite something from religious studies. I had it memorised but when it was my turn, I got nervous and forgot. Come on, it was something that I recite everyday in my prayer. My teacher was a little intimidating so I cried. I think I'm a bit tad emotional. (Me: Ya think * cock head to the side while hands on the hip)

Do you hate anyone?
Nope, but I find some people are overly annoying.

How’s your heart?
Ok for a 19 year old. No tar, no nicotine. Just some caffeine.

Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Nope.

Have you ever cried over a guy?
Nope.

Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
I have no idea. I'm no psychic or had pissed of anyone lately.

Are your toenails painted pink?
Nope.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
If the one I'm gonna marry is a mistake. So yeah...

Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
No. It'll be so sad when they cry. They have this big ego not letting you see them cry.

Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
Nope.

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
Wawa.

How do you look right now?
Just a little sleep deprive but otherwise okay.

Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
I don't know. Maybe I need to keep looking.

Can you commit to one person?
Maybe in a few years from now........

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Yes. Hope he didn't mind though. Or maybe he does already. It's been a while since we texted each other.

Have you ever felt replaced?
Loads of time. I moved a lot so  I change schools. That feeling is inevitable and it eats you from the inside. I learned to ignore it and make new friends. It taught me to be wary of people and not to close to them. A quality that I have that I hate....

Did you wake up cranky?
Yup. I'll kill my bros if they woke me up early during the holidays. That's because I usually slept after Subuh.

Are you a jealous person?
I don't think so. Yeah, I am. Even among closest friends or even family.

Are relationships ever worth it?
Yeah. In the end, you want to share your life with someone.

Anyone you’re giving up on?
Pass.....

Currently wanting to see anyone?
Pass... *cause I don't see any worthy candidate around*

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Wake up.

Last person you cried in front of?
Jihah and Ezan. While reading some stupid novel. They make fun of me.

Is there someone you will never forget?
I forget stuff easily.....

Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
Pass

If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
Kiss... hahahahhha.  I dunno, talk of course. That's all I wanna do with people right now. A company would be nice.

Are you over your past?
I'm only 19. I don't have a dark past... Yet.

Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
Yeah. Once. Then my other best friend asked whether I like him or not. I wasn't sure of my feeling so I answered no and they hooked up. Sad at first. Then, I'm over it. It was a crush developed because of spending lots of time together I guess. Still friends with him but not best bud cause of distance and have nothing to talk about. I did visit him before i went to uni though.

Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Yes. Maybe. If I find the time.

If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Yes.

So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
Hmmmm, if I ever kiss a person in the first place so yeah..perhaps.

Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
No. We're friends, of course we would hate the same person.

Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
Yes.

Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
Nope. Only Mikhail... Close enough.

Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
No, But I like that name.

Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
Pass

Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
Pass

Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
Yes. She's beautiful.

Who do you have texts from?
My mum, Emy, my classmates.

If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
Okay... We can still be friends can't we?

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
No kissing......

Who’s in your profile picture with you?
Nobody. Even I'm not in the picture.

Ever kissed under fireworks?
Again with the kisses... *sigh* Besides, it's called firework display for a reason okay. Not PDA (public display of affection) but more to get your eyeball glued to beauty and art kind of way.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
No. I'm never in love. Just tons of crushes and hero-worship.